Updates on thoughts, goals for this blog, and goals for my life.

I don’t know where to begin. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, about how to further my career, how to bring some stability to my life and to my health, how to be the person I want to be.

I was preparing tomorrow’s Sunday School lesson for the first graders and we’re talking about Joseph and the time his brothers sold him into slavery. this lesson is all about how even in our darkest moments, when we feel most alone, God is there and He has a plan for us.

There isn’t a season in our lives that he hasn’t planned for or didn’t know was going to happen. That’s the beauty and reassuring nature of God. HE KNOWS! HE IS THERE! HE IS MORE THAN POWERFUL ENOUGH TO SEE YOU THROUGH IT!

With depression and anxiety I often feel alone. Like many people my age I can sometimes turn to social media for “likes” and “loves” with an urge for someone to notice me and to notice my struggle. But I shouldn’t have to because God sees me. He knows me. He knows my struggle. He’s carrying me through it. Sometimes I just forget that. I’m human, fallible.

All week I’ve been thinking about this blog and my career, and how I thought my life would turn out. For one thing, I did not expect to be diagnosed with anxiety or depression. I did not expect that it’s not a new thing. I always thought that because my panic attacks weren’t all the time and that my parents were still together and only my great grandparents had died, and I hadn’t experienced abuse or any of a dozen other stereotypical depression backstories that I couldn’t possibly have either illness.

Little did I know that chemicals in your brain don’t take heed of your backstory, they just work or they don’t. Those things can all trigger larger issues with depression and anxiety, but they are not the root cause.

I’ll be honest. I never saw myself working in a financial institution, nor is it what I want to keep doing for the rest of my life. I feel like I can be doing so much more.

As a kid I never really knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. There were a thousand things I said, because I didn’t think that “I don’t know” was going to be an acceptable answer to the adults in my life. There was always pressure to pick a “career”.

I STILL don’t know. I’m 23. I don’t love my job enough to want to stay there forever, but neither do I not love it enough to quit and find something else just yet.

So… in the next few months I’m hoping you will see some changes around here and with Xanadu. I want to take this and my creativity more seriously, and the rest of my “outside of work” life. I do so much of the whole, go to work, come home, sleep, go back to work. I want to do more. And eventually, it would be amazing to quit my job or drop down to part time so I could be creative full time.

It may never happen, but at least I’ll be trying. And the whole while, I’m going to start making room for my faith first because that is the most important thing in the world to me, even if it’s been put on the back burners with everything else.

It’s time, I think, for my mental illnesses to take a back seat and let the real MVPs out to play.


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