It’s funny how having a little bit of time off makes you wish you had more time off. You never seem to be as productive as you intend to be. After all, it’s your “vacation” – time away from the office and the stress of everyday life.
Right now I have two days left of a four day weekend that is using up the last of my vacation time for 2019. Albeit, I work at a financial institution so I get those wonderful little banking holidays and Thanksgiving and Christmas off still this year, and my one weekend a month. I think that’s the one thing I don’t like about my job… Sundays and 1 Saturday a month are all I get off regularly. It’s definitely more stressful for me to have such long periods between rest times and days when I can catch up on my sleep a little bit.
Recently I’ve sent out my resume several places, and applied to a couple of internal postings at work. One of them, i interviewed for even though it wasn’t my career goal and while the manager liked me, she went with someone else. the second was a marketing position, which was my ultimate goal when I got hired at this institution. I didn’t even get an interview, just an email saying that they were going to pursue other candidates that were better qualified and if they ever ah anything that fit my skill set they would contact me.
I won’t lie – that hurt. I’m still very much nursing that wound. I made sure my resume was tailored perfectly for a marketing job, showcasing every skill and experience I have that would help me in that sort of position. And I wasn’t good enough for that entry level position for them to even interview me or call me in person, a 4 digit extension away. That hurts… a lot.
None of the external places I’ve applied to have called or emailed or asked for interviews. The only people that reach out from the blue on LinkedIn, Monster, and Indeed, are people from companies and places that want me for sales jobs. Frankly, I don’t ever want to work that kind of job again if I can help it, and commission based for a big faceless company is just not what I see myself doing.
I have that baby-boomer/Gen-X mindset that i should just take whatever job I can get and make the best of it, I mean, be grateful I even have a job, right? They say there was a time when people just took the job and that’s what they did. I have enough younger millennial and Gen-Z in me that it just feels wrong.
As a child I was told that I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, as long as I was happy – as a Christian I know my happiness isn’t going to come from any career, but it sure would be easier if I wasn’t emotionally exhausted as well as physically exhausted all the time. At least, I tell myself that.
Thing is, I have depression and I don’t know the answer to that. I don’t know when the last time I was truly happy was, it was so long ago. The closest I get anymore is when I’m playing with the dogs or when one of my chinchillas decides to crawl on my lap to explore.
In the interview I did get the manager asked me a question that I hate, and it really started me thinking… “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
It’s not an uncommon question. It’s not a question that I should have freaked out at, but I kind of did. I don’t know where I see myself in 5 years, I’m not even where I saw myself being today 5 years ago.
Five years ago, I was getting ready to go away to college for the first time, in fact, that’s almost to the day. I did not see myself working at a credit union, or living with my parents. I did not predict the chinchillas, or even Lacey Lou. I pictured I would have one, if not two books published or self published and that I would be writing full time, either as an author or freelancing, and I’d be living on my own with some sort of giant malamute thing… just – not this. I thought I’d have a schedule down, be in less debt, and have a handle on my faith and a real and meaningful relationship with Christ.
Instead, here I am: living at my parents, in more debt than I care to talk about, momma to two chinchillas and a tiny rescue dog, applying for jobs I don’t even really want because I just want to be a little closer to my field than I am right now. I have worse depression and anxiety than ever and need to talk to my doctor again… and they make me too fickle to really be any success as any kind of storyteller, and too fickle of a Christian for me to be healthy in my faith.
So I’m working on a 5 year plan. Something that I never did. I mean, I had dreams, but never a real goal.
- Daily Devotions – These aren’t an option. I was happiest and my most creative when I was talking to God and making Him a priority in my life. It’s a habit I haven’t kept up with, but it’s probably the most important thing I will ever do in my life
- Keep a gratitude Journal – I’ve noticed that my journals tend to be me complaining about the world, about something that’s bothering me, and this negativity is killing me. I can’t keep it up and I need to be grateful for what God has given me in life.
- Health – Mentally, spiritually, and physically, it’s no big secret that I don’t take care of myself. I’m not so open about it online, but if you look at me, it’s true. I’ve been thinking about seeing a therapist, exercising more – Lacey Lou needs that anyway, it’ll be good for me too.
- In one year I’m aiming to be able to either drop down to a part-time day job or switch to creating full time.
- I want to publish something – anything. An article, book review, short story, poem, ANYTHING traditionally, just one thing. The rest can be self published for all I care, but I would love to have one thing put out there like that for people to see. It would be thrilling to know that there was an editor out there who liked something I did enough to want to share it with everyone they could.
- I want to incorporate my artwork and my writing together to help make my storytelling that much stronger and more me. I need to find my voice, and it’s going to be with both, I can feel it.
- In five years I want to be able to fully support myself as a writer and artist, I want to be freelancing, writing, creating art… I want to be a storyteller and I want to be able to move out on my own.
- I want to get involved with my community as a storyteller
The thing about all of these “goals” that I have listed is that none of them are guaranteed. Even the “Must Dos” are things that I will need to choose daily and make myself do.
It’s a strange place I’m in in my life right now. I’m nowhere near where I thought I’d be and I’m even further from where I want to be. Really, I don’t even know if these goals are what I really want. But, I do know that i want something different. I feel stagnant and life my career is just sitting still. I’m exhausted and I can’t seem to get out of it. From now on, the goal is to use what time I have to rest and to work on becoming the artist I want to be. To work towards becoming a storyteller, because even if I end up wanting something else, something I can’t predict – at least I’m working towards something and taking care of myself – making myself into the person I want to be.